Caught pants down

Richards rolled over to the other side of the bed, touching his wife lightly on her arm. She has just returned from the ‘ladies’ and seems to have resumed her sleep. It’s just 2.00am and Richards seems not to be sleeping. Rose placed her other hand on his arm, signifying she’s still much awake. ‘Not yet asleep?’ he asked her. ‘I am about to doze off’I can’t sleep, am disturbed’, he replied. ‘Disturbed?’ she turned to face her husband of five years, a man she has come to love and adore. ‘Yes baby, there’s something I need to tell you….’ Both were silent for a while; before Rose decided to speak up ‘Is it about another woman?’ ‘Yes dear’… ’is the woman Linda?’ she asked trying to clear her suspicion. ‘Yes’, he sighed. ‘Did you sleep with her?’ There was another silence before he summoned up courage to talk. ‘Yes I did’. ‘Oh my God’, she sighed….

Tears refuse to come as she quickly sat up on the bed…’am so sorry dear, I know I have messed up but I really need you to help me out…it’s a temptation…I need you to help me come out of this mess..I need you…’ Richards broke down in tears. His wife couldn’t help this time but to cry too. She saw it coming. She suspected the early morning and late night calls from this so called Linda but her husband had always re-assured her that they were nothing to the calls. She had not met the girl but her spirit had always told her the girl had a mission. Only that she did not pray about it.  Oh God, how she had missed it, Richards was every woman’s dream, handsome, outspoken, social, independent and successful entrepreneur…why on earth could this happen to her.

‘Baby please, I need you to help me out of this mess’, Richards cried out again holding his wife. Rose pushed him away. She has been hurt…her heart broken and yes the marriage covenant has been tampered with. Where on earth did she miss it; Rose pondered. She had never denied him sex and even if she has to due to tiredness or any other reason, she had always made it up for him with an appointment. And yes, they were both virgins when they married, so he has been her first and vice versa. Why did he go for another woman? Oh God, and her family, friends and colleagues hold him in high esteem. Why did he let her down so shamefully?  She has to make up her mind on what to do; it is either she throw him the towel by walking out of the marriage or forgives him. How on earth can she ever forgive him after warning him of that same lady?

She stood from up from the bed, not knowing what to do next. Richards reached out again to her, as it was almost 3.00am in the morning. She was about to push away his hand again but before she could do that Richards was already on his knees pleading. ‘For love of God Rose, please don’t leave me, if you do I am finished’. The words were too heavy for her but the hurt was also too painful. She let down the tears…words are not adequate to express her hurt. Both of them have always been great advocate of unconditional love, their lives have been a model to lots of youths around them, so how will these people feel if she walks out of her marriage. And does she really want a divorce? Oh God… she had thought her husband was different and that he will never cheat on her but just few years into their marriage…he failed her.

Richards rose to his feet and embrace his wife. ‘you are the only woman I want to be with…I let down my guard and fell flat…it was a temptation and I fell for it…my conscience won’t let me be because you have been very faithful…please help me get back to my feet dear and I promise you that it will never happen again.’

Rose held on to him tightly as if her life depends on it….but the tears kept flowing because she couldn’t yet come to terms with the fact that he betrayed her trust…

Infidelity destroys trust…It breaks home…It shatters heart and bruises one’s emotions. It however can be forgiven.  That it can be forgiven is not a justification for it.  Why would you on a good day want to sleep with another man/woman other than your spouse? Marriage vows are sacred and must be treated as such. It is not a sin to be tempted but where we err is when we fall for the temptation.

Richard took a big step by confessing to his covenant partner that he had missed it. He took the right step…he did not wait for his spouse to discover it….he has a conscience that is not yet sealed. He felt so bad about the situation he found himself and he opened up to his woman. No matter how bad he may feel; the fact remains that he messed up big time.

Rose has a justification to divorce him because he breached the marriage contract (vow) by committing adultery, but divorce is not the solution. Richards pleaded…he has cried out for help….this is the first time he had ever done that… he deserves to be forgiven and given another chance. He may however need to go for counseling or talk to spiritual mentors who he is accountable to. He will need to work hard to earn his wife’s trust again. Infidelity is a serious crime in marriage and its consequences may be very bad depending on how well it is handled. Don’t just believe it can never happen to you, rather be accountable and open with your spouse. Let your spouse watch your back and do not let down your guard. Don’t be unnecessarily close to someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. Once you are having strong feelings for someone other than your spouse, seek help on time. Your ability to control your emotions shows that you are matured. Don’t be a prey to the enemy. Don’t hurt your spouse; don’t pull down the lovely home you have built with your hands. Don’t subject your kids to untold heartache. “Drink waters out of your own cistern (of a pure marriage relationship), and fresh running waters out of your own well”– Holy Bible

 

There’s more to love

love

 

There’s really more to love

Love is just so loaded

It’s not just to fall in love

But to really stay in love

Love is simply commitment

It’s staying true to what you promise

To be there in pains

And enjoy the gains together

To be present when it is thick

And not leave when it is thin

Love is more than the feeling

It is more of the giving

It enjoys when laugh comes

And endures the frowns too

Yet it stays unconditional

For when strings are attached

It becomes selfish

And love cannot be selfish

Because it never stops giving

It keeps no record of wrong

It may be hurt but it forgives

Love is when you keep your words

Love is when I don’t break my vows

Love is us when we encourage each other

And never pull down one another

Love may go through the tears

But will wait till the smiles come

For it will never give up

It is not restricted to emotions

For it is a lifestyle.

 

 

 

 

Jilted…but not defeated

Pretty young woman with arms raised

Most of us have been through different kinds of abusive relationships yet we stay put in the relationship hoping our partner will change after marriage. That exactly is where we go wrong. If s/he cannot change the bad attitudes now it will take a miracle for the change to happen after marriage. This is because we display our best attitudes during courtship just to win our lover’s heart only to relax when we are married. In this edition, I will be discussing the prevalent kinds of abuse people go through in relationships. They are emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuse.

 

I was once a victim of emotional abuse. I once dated a guy who could walk in any time of the day to declare that our relationship was over. Each time this happened, I would cry and become very devastated only for him to come back few weeks or days later begging on his knees that his life would be meaningless without me. Going by my love for him, I accept him back easily only for him to repeat his folly few weeks later. This went on and on, the more it repeats itself, the more I became an emotional wreck. In about our one year courtship, I had the relationship ‘broken’ and ‘repaired’ like seven times until I said it was enough. Any man/woman that takes pleasure in making you cry is not worthy to have you. Let me put it this way, if your partner toys with your emotions, then s/he cannot be your spouse. Free yourself before you tie the knot. Remove his/her spell on you before you walk down that aisle. Some supposed lovers will date their partners, use and dump them after promising heaven and earth. Those are the people I call heartbreakers, ‘human-abusers’ and ‘jilters’. No matter the pain you have gone through in the past; do not let it be your end because it is only a bend that will lead to a glorious end. For surely, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Have you ever been through verbal abuse? Verbal abuse is when you are always put down through utterances and words. If insults, destructive criticisms and words that hurt someone’s self esteem are usually used on you, then it means you are being subjected to verbal abuse from your attacker. The worse is when such person is your lover/partner. Such person make you feel inferior before his/her friends, colleagues, family and well wishers. If you are in a relationship with that kind of a person, then you are in a destructive relationship. Such a relationship will not allow you to be your best. It will only discourage you from discovering and using your potentials. Your fiancé/fiancée should see you as a blessing and not an excess baggage, anything short of this is not worth it.

 

Rape, incest, sexual assault, prostitution, lesbianism, homosexuality to mention a few are forms of sexual abuse. Sex is designed to be enjoyed between a married man and his wife, anything otherwise is perverse and has consequence. I put it to you that virginity is still a virtue, fornication remains a capital sin. Times may change but foundational principles behind humanity remains unchanged. Save yourself from everlasting guilt and sexually transmitted disease, abstinence from sex is the key if you are yet to marry. For those who were raped or taken advantage of forcefully, there is hope. Don’t live in the pain of the past, seek professional help, go for counselling, and talk to someone who can help you overcome the stigma.  You do have a great future and it is possible to end up marrying someone who will value you and treat you with royalty just as you were created to be.

 

Anyone that takes pleasure in inflicting physical pain on you through beating or hitting you with hard objects is subjecting you to physical abuse. Some ladies have become slaves in the hands of their ‘macho’ fiancé. They are being molested and hit with hard objects most times for every mistake they do. Some even harm their partners for mere suspicion because they are possessive. If the guy keeps beating you now while you are still courting, he will likely kill and bury you secretly after marrying you. There are some ladies too who are good   in slapping the men in their lives, this is nothing but perversion of the highest order. True love cares; it does not inflict injury on someone. Set yourself free now from that destructive relationship before you lose your life. A word is enough for the wise.

 

For all those who have been jilted one time or the other, it is not the end of life, do not commit suicide. That s/he walks out of your life means you deserve someone better. Don’t give up on life, you will love again and you will be happy!

 

 

 

When the past comes knocking…

Quinn and Kate had just returned from their honeymoon and were both resting on the bed when Kate’s phone buzzed. ‘Ssssh who could that be’, she muttered and picked her phone to answer the call not interested in the caller’s identity. ‘It’s me Princess’ she could hear her mother’s voice clearly. Not willing to wake up her prince charming, she un-wrapped Quinn’s arms from her body and tiptoed into the bathroom. ‘What is it mum, am still basking in the fragrance of my honeymoon and…’ Her mum did not allow her to finish her statement as there was a matter of urgency that needed her attention. ‘It’s your son Richard, he has been sick since you left for honeymoon and we have been taking care of him, the case however got worse few hours ago when he lost consciousness, he is on his way to the theater as the doctor said the only way to save his life is to carry out a surgery on him immediately’. Kate held her breath, she couldn’t believe what she just heard, she left her five years old son, hale and healthy before her wedding which was followed by her honeymoon. ‘God…Richard must not die, I will die if he does because I went through a lot when his father denied his pregnancy and I singlehandedly took care of him till now’, Kate soliloquized as tears rush down her eyes. And to make matter worse, she never told her spouse, Quinn anything about Richard her son, she tactically hid him so as not to lose Quinn. He had loved and cared for her so much that she didn’t want to lose him because of her son. She was hoping that after their honeymoon, she would be able to ask him for forgiveness and then tell him. All of a sudden, she remembered Quinn must have felt her absence beside him; she turned back to return to the bedroom only to see her spouse Quinn, some meters away from her.

‘Who is Richard?’ he asked looking at her with great confusion. ‘Am so sorry baby, I was hoping to explain everything about him to you after the honeymoon, I didn’t want to lose you because of him,’ Kate said as she knelt down before him weeping profusely. ‘And what makes you think that you will not lose me now?’ he asked with disappointment written all over him. ‘I might as well not know a whole lot of things about you if you could hide the fact that you have a five year old son I have never heard about despite our one and half year of courtship’, he concluded.

No man/woman wants to be kept in the dark as regards his/her spouse. No one wants to be treated as a fool and no one wants his/her intelligence to be played upon. You owe your spouse the responsibility of disclosing any information about your past that needed to be known. Never let it be heard from a third party when you get married or few days/hours to your wedding, it kills trust. No sin is too big to be forgiven; no past is too ugly to be forgotten.  Pour out your heart, stop hiding your wound, let the wound heal. There are some past you may say are inconsequential, but there are some that leave scars, never joke with them. If you hide details of your past from your spouse so as not to lose him/her, what is the assurance that you will keep him/her after marriage when the bubble burst?

We all love our spouses to be sincere, honest and transparent. Openness does the magic in sealing trust in relationships. From the Holy Book, we learnt that, Ruth did not disguise her ‘Moab’ identity to fit it among the Jews. She was transparent and showed that despite her “unwelcomed” identity, she was ready to embrace The God of the Israelites and that endeared Boaz’s heart to her. If you hide things from your spouse-to-be now, you’ll keep hiding things from him/her when you both get married and that is detrimental to your marriage. Great couples don’t hide secrets, they share secrets.

Being open with your spouse helps him/her to watch your back and keep praying for you. You only hide what you are not healed from, you share testimonies of what you are healed from despite its scar; so if there is a past you need healing for, please get help, seek good counselors and advisers. We may not be the cause of what happened to us in the past but we are responsible for how we handle our reaction to it.

When you make mistake and keep hiding it from your spouse, you need to tell lies and compromise some things to keep ‘the covering’ going; the more you do this, the farther you drift from your spouse and the weaker your relationship becomes until you can no longer hold it together and then your cup gets full and overflows for everyone to see. Allow your spouse to cover your nakedness now because he/she has been anointed and called to do so; “they were both naked and not ashamed”… (The Holy Bible).  Don’t wait until your dirty linen is washed in the public. ‘I don’t want him to know I was once married; I don’t want him to know I was once a sex worker; I don’t want her to know I have a child out of wedlock with another woman…” All these secrets and more break up marriages and create unhappy homes when the truth is later revealed to the other partner. Save yourself from future unhappiness, embarrassment and heartaches. Tell him/her all s/he needs to know before you walk down the aisle. If s/he loves you enough…s/he will not leave you despite your past or mistake and s/he will be able to walk through with you in any circumstance you are in life. If s/he decides to leave you for being honest about your past or mistake, it means you deserve someone better, someone like Boaz to Ruth who will love you despite your past or mistake. It is better said now than later when it will be too late to bear.