Much ado about sex in marriage

ImageHave you ever wondered why a sexually eager spouse is married to someone who is not too excited about sex? Do you know a couple or couples who are about to give up on their marriage because of sex issues? Tell them to hang on and read up this piece before making any serious decision.

Myles Munroe, in his book, The Purpose and Power of Love and Marriage has this to say: Marriage involves commitment. Sex has very little to do with commitment; it is a 100-percent physical response to physiological and biochemical stimuli. Sex is one expression of commitment in marriage, but it never creates commitment. By itself, sex neither makes nor breaks a marriage. Marriage is broader and deeper than sex, and transcends it. Marriage is perhaps one percent sex; the rest is ordinary, everyday life. If you marry for sex, how are you going to handle the other 99 percent?

In case you don’t agree with Myles Munroe that the importance of sex in marriage is as low as one percent, let us raise the bar to five percent. If then marriage is five percent sex, how will you handle the remaining ninety-five percent of what marriage entails if you marry because of sex. I always tell singles that if your inability to control your sexual urge is the main reason why you decide to marry, then you have gotten wrong the whole concept of marriage. This is because your spouse will not be available 24/7 to satisfy your sexual cravings. Work or occasion may cause you to drift apart for a short while, so ‘if you no fit hold body’ or learn how to control your sexual cravings, you may likely ‘screw up’ in marriage.

You deserve thumbs up and a pat on the back if you are married and you are on the same page sexually with your spouse. That means you largely do not have issues when it comes to satisfying each other’s sexual cravings. On the other hand, if you are married to someone who seems not to be excited about sex or ready for sex when you are ‘in the mood’, then we need to talk.

I want to believe that you loved your spouse so much before walking down the aisle with him/her, so what happened? Why have you drifted from being great lovers to just friends? Sex is a deep, sweet communication between a man and his wife; it is only healthy in marriage. That seriously means if a married couple do not find time to make love often, they will drift apart emotionally. Sex helps couples connect at the deepest level beyond description, covenant between married couples are always renewed each time they make love.

You can have sex with anyone, even a prostitute, but you can only make love to someone you adore, cherish, respect and feel so deeply in love with. So one of the reasons why your sex life is dragging may be that you have fallen out of love with your spouse. Sometimes, this is possible if you are distracted by someone else who appeals so much to you that you do not mind sharing your deepest intimate moments with; you may be transferring all the emotions that need to be bestowed on your spouse to your new ‘catch’.

What if your husband wants a change in your body shape or size? Please make a conscious effort to work on it because men are easily aroused by what they see. A woman on the other hand needs her emotions and feelings to be fed always with attention and care. A woman you do not connect with emotionally may disconnect sexually.

Now if two sexually eager partners get married as a couple and they enjoy sex a whole lot, they may engage in sex so much that other areas of their marriage that need their attention begin to suffer or lag. On the other hand, if the man and his wife are both not interested in sex, they may do without it for a long time and this will invariably affect their emotional connection and communication; they may stop being lovers and drift to just being friends.  

Marriage needs maintenance, so does your sex life. Therefore, if your partner is less interested in sex, you are in the best position to motivate him/her or learn how to get him/her in the mood. Love him/her the way he/she wants to be loved. Knowing his/her love languages will go a long way. You both will need to talk about it and be honest with one another. This is why I encourage couples to do self-assessment with each other as often as possible to ascertain the healthiness or otherwise of their relationship. In some instances, for example when talking about it is yielding no result, or when you are not making progress while working at it, you may need to book an appointment with a certified sex therapist.

God encourages that you enjoy the wife of your youth. You are not permitted to stop loving that spouse of yours after saying “Yes I do”. It is well with your marriage. I value you greatly.

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When a loved one dies…

ImageOur prayer is that our loved one should not die but what if it happens, are we gonna ‘kill’ God for it?


When dad passed away some years ago we thought we were also going to lose mum because she refused to be consoled. She has just lost a soul mate. We tried all our best to comfort her although she re-assures us with smiles but deep down in her heart we saw that she was bleeding and fading away. We rallied round her and told her how hard it will be if she decides to leave so soon too knowing I am an only child. 


Yes as mum was being comforted, I had a great challenge to stand strong, I have just lost a biological and spiritual father, a mentor and my best friend, one I could tell everything being an only child. My fiance now my spouse was around then and he and dad were just so close and yes we had to delay our wedding for two more years in respect of the man who believed most in the success of our relationship. Things were never the same again after the death of my father.


As we summoned up courage to make sure the ministry, legacy and church he left behind continues, we also kept encouraging mum how dad will be so proud of her if she decides to keep living to fulfil purpose just as he did.


One of my foremost mentor lost his pretty young wife few years back and as most people begin to ask question why God would allow that happen to His servant, some of us knew how she had pulled through severe heart disease and did not allow that affect her impact on the lives of youths and children at large, she was a beautiful soul. I was more concerned later how my mentor would pull through life for he was so knitted together with his wife, they preached and was always going out together as her health permits. She was indeed the Lord’s Leading Lady.


My prayer then has always been that God would strengthen him and help him not to fall in the traps of Delilah as he is a man loved by so many. Not too long after a big memorial service for his late wife in which two of her unpublished books were released and a foundation inaugurated in her name, my mentor announced in church that he is going to marry again and he disclosed the identity of the woman he is now in love with.


That stirred up rumour as the press couldn’t believe how a young widower like him would decide to settle for a single mother of two. Now listen, who dared question God when He decided to put Rahab, Bathseba, Ruth and Tamar in Jesus’ lineage? To us, these women did not qualify but God thought otherwise, He uses the foolish things of this world to confuse the wise as He shows His mercy to whom He deems it fit; those were the exact words I sent to my mentor’s new wife to be. Anybody that has a problem with her marrying a man of God because of her past should go and sue God for it.


I put a text message across to my mentor and it reads, “My prayer for you since you lost your pretty wife is that God would heal your heart and help you love again and He did it. I am not moved by what the press is saying, I am in no position to judge you for the kind of woman you decide to settle with, I know you know what you’re doing and you’ll not settle for anyone whom your late wife will not be proud of where she is. My prayer is that great seeds will come out of your loins via your new wife. I’ll keep praying for you as you take this giant step to a new phase of your life.”


He replied almost immediately with this text, “God bless you for those words, they came at the right time, you don’t have greatly they have encouraged me and yes your words are a confirmation of what God just told me. God bless you woman of God”.


A lot of times we have compounded the hurt of the bereaved instead of helping them heal. Our words are so powerful, our motives need to be directed well least we do more harm than good to the people we are meant to hold their hands to cross a phase of their lives. I have seen couples who lost a young child and instead of mourning for life, they put a foundation in remembrance of her to support other kids who are suffering from same cancer she died of. It is painful to lose a loved one but when it happens let us do what will beautify their memory not what will tarnish it. Let me encourage you now to live your life fully in pursuit of purpose so that when you die people will be sad that a great hero is gone; don’t let it be that the world will be celebrating at your demise because of the trouble you caused.


Earlier this year, my first cousin Dorcas Philips and I put together a solid gospel musical concert in my late dad’s church to celebrate his 7years memorial service. It was colourful, his numerous proteges were around, some of the lives that were impacted through his ministry were full of joy as they celebrate a man who has touched their lives positively. My mum was there as she is still alive and strong doing exploits for God. We no longer cry when we remember dad but always full of joy for a life well spent.


Dad was not there when I was inducted as a Chartered Accountant but he will be so proud of his baby girl wherever he is and he will be so fulfilled that I am pursuing God’s call for my life. My mentor has married the lady he chose and they are beautiful together.


My dear friend, we may not be able to prevent a loved one from dying but we can live our lives so beautifully well to make their memory and what they stand for touch lives positively even after their demise. The ball is in your court. I value you greatly.


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Before You walk down the Aisle

ImageI hope you know that marriage life need greater investment than the wedding day. The wedding day is a ceremony of few hours while marriage life which begins immediately after the wedding entails countless hours culminating into many years which I term forever.


It is better you dot your I(s) and cross your. T(s) before walking down the aisle with him/her. I want to believe you know your future spouse’s temperament? So let me ask you, ‘can you cope with him/her?’ Until you are able to satisfactorily answer that question, I bet you’re ill prepared for the marriage life. 


Temperament is a natural behavioural pattern. It depicts how someone behaves. Your spouse can either be SANGUINE, CHOLERIC, MELANCHOLIC or PHLEGMATIC according to a proto-psychological theory, although it is possible for someone to have a mixture of the types.


A SANGUINE is pleasure-seeking and sociable and so enjoys talking much. A CHOLERIC on the other hand is ambitious and leader-like in nature so they are ruthless and may seems to cause trouble. A MELANCHOLIC is analytical and thoughtful, they think more than they talk. A PHLEGMATIC is relaxed and quiet, s/he is a lay back person.


There are however no bad or good temperament. Take for instance, you don’t need to be put off by a SANGUINE because s/he talks too much, what if s/he makes sure that the talks are so loaded with sense and not rubbish. There are lot of people making impact via their talks. There is no temperament that cannot be managed and harnessed for the best. I strongly recommend that you read SPIRIT CONTROLLED TEMPERAMENT by Tim & Beverly Lahaye; you should also read WHY YOU BEHAVE THE WAY YOU DO by Tim Lahaye.


Did I hear you say you’re married to a man who has issue with his temper and who enjoys throwing tantrums? Let me help you with this, I read a story in one of one Local Language Text(Yoruba Language- Nigeria) in my elementary school . A wife who was desperate in winning her husband’s heart over visited a native love doctor to get a love charm she can use on her spouse. The love doctor needed only one ingredient, fresh milk from a lioness.


The woman was bent of winning her spouse over and she devised the means of getting the ingredient. She kicked a goat, spice it up and made her way to a thick forest where a lioness can be found. On sighting the lioness from afar, she threw the spiced meat bit by bit from the distance till she exhausted her stock.


She did it for the next 21 days and each day she moves closer to the lioness which at this time has recognise her as its good friend. On the 21st day, she took the bold step to touch the lioness and softly tap its milk. Mission accomplished, she made her way quickly to the native doctor who was stunned when she narrated how she was able to milk the almighty lioness.


The native doctor wasted no time in telling her that she is the best love charm that can work for her spouse. She was urged to go and use same patience and wisdom she applied in milking the lioness on her spouse. Hmm what an advice! The writings of Apostle Paul to the Galatians chapter 5 verses 22 and 23 listed the fruit of the Spirit which are: love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance. 


If you possess the above, there is no one you can’t live it. I have seen the hardest heart melt at the feel of love. Go an extra mile for him/her. I know there is something about that man/woman that made you fell in love in the first place. Harness that spot again, rekindle that flame of love, the fruit of Spirit enables you to harness the strength in your spouse’s temperament and yours! You may however have to give your life to Jesus before you can ‘grow’ the fruit of the Spirit. May your marriage be Eden on earth!


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Abused…but not Shattered

ImageThis is a special dedication to every rape victim…

To everyone who has survived and healed from the scar of rape.

To every girl child that is still silent and still hurting…

To every lady whose wound is still very fresh and contemplating suicide as a way to end the trauma.

Just keep hanging on dear…God is trying to hold your hand…kindly reach out to Him and let Him help you through.


The wise book gives an account of Princess Tamar who was raped by her step-brother Prince Amnon. Due to this her royal apparel got replaced with ashes. Her self esteem got affected no wonder we did not read of any exploits of hers after that terrible incident.. It could be that she did not recover from the trauma and stigma.


I got the shock of my life some few days back when I read a broadcast of a 14 year old boy who raped at 2 year old girl to death. One begin to wonder the values and virtues that are being taught in our homes these days.


Jacob Jume was said to have taken advantage of his sick sister few minutes after the nurses and doctor on duty at the time had made their routine ward round and gone on break. According to Vanguard reports, the 30 year old victim was injected with a sedative and while she was partially incapacitated by the medication, her brother, Jacob allegedly raped her. This happened not too long ago in Benue State Nigeria.


I was watching CNN some days back and I saw a campaign and protest done in Kenya against rape because a lady has just been confined to a wheel chair as a result of gang rape; that broke my heart.


There are lot of people suffering silently, stigmatised and living in fear of what the public will say when they find out that they were once raped. The responses to my article DON’T TOUCH MY BODY which I wrote earlier this year which is centred on child abuse(rape) were alarming as some close allies of mine confessed to have gone through similar abuse. Same way, some many people around us are going through this and we seems to be less concerned.


If we decide today to be responsible for every girl child around us starting from our home, we will know when a sex predator is hovering around them. Let us try to be more sensitive despite our busy schedule, let’s hear the silent voices of the violated around us. Lot of girls, ladies and women are shrinking due to abuse from men they trusted so much. Not only must we be physically active, our spiritual alertness is also of paramount importance. Rape has gone beyond physical, the evil forces are capitalising on it to undress our babes of their royal apparel. It is only a survivor and a victor that bounces back to fulfil destiny like the few ones that are speaking out now.


Let’s embark on both spiritual and physical rally against rape. Let’s protect every girl child and lady as if they are our blood and treasure.


Do you think it is easy to convince a rape victim that sex between lovers/couple is “sweet” after all she has been through? Do you think a rape survivor can easily believe all men are not the same? Think on these…


Dear husband, the act of rape is forcing yourself on your woman to have sex with her. You married her, you had your style with which you wooed her to say yes to you, why can’t you use same love language or ‘taming’ method to make her sleep with you willingly?


For every rape victim still hurting, don’t give up on life yet. There is a beautiful story of your life about to be written; it’s the beginning of a glorious chapter. Don’t give up until you’ve looked up; it’s never too late until you become late.


If you’re still battling with the trauma of rape or you know someone who is still hurting or struggling with her self esteem because of this, link up with us so we can help you get the necessary help and connect you to great survivors of the ordeal. Don’t die in silence, it is not your end, it is only a bend that will lead to a glorious end. A campaign against rape has just taken a new dimension, we are not stopping until our girls, ladies and women are totally free to walk around without the fear of sexual harassment or abuse.


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