Before You start Another Relationship

another relationship

So you are contemplating starting another relationship? That means the previous relationship ended. Sometimes we wish our previous relationship(s) worked out because of our huge investment in it (them) but really if our eyes were opened to see the kind of great future carved out for us, we will be glad that the previous relationship ended because it wasn’t designed to bring out the best in us.

Alright, now that there is no one in your life or you are considering if this person you just met is best suited for you. Let me ask you, what lessons did you learn from the previous relationship?

If you were hurt in the past, have you forgiven your ex? Please know that if you’re still hurting from a failed relationship, you’re not healthy enough to start another one. Why? Your wound is probably still fresh or you’re still healing. If any pain is inflicted on your already existing wound, it can cause you more damage and this in return can make you lash out at your new partner or even make him/her want to pay for the offence your ex committed. Let go of yesterday’s hurt, pain and abuse. Only then are you qualified and certified whole and healthy to give another relationship a try.

Do you still cry when you remember the past hurt? Do you still feel bitterness towards your ex when you remember him or her? Then you’re still hurting. ‘How do I get healed if I’m still hurting?’ you may be asking. Let me help you with a few steps. Forgive yourself, forgive the person that hurt you (free them from the prison of your heart). Here, I say forgive…but don’t forget the lessons you learnt from the past hurt. For instance, if he used to abuse you or she cheated on you over and over before the relationship came to an end, forgive. You need this to move on, but don’t forget how to identify a ‘cheat’ or a man who enjoys abusing his partner, so you won’t fall prey to the same kind of person in future.

In healing from the past, love yourself unconditionally. Treat yourself like the king/queen that you are. Take yourself out and give YOU a nice treat. If no one is your VAL, be your own VAL. Look in the mirror and say all the nice things you want to hear about yourself. Learn to encourage and motivate yourself. This is because you can’t love someone else the way they deserve to be loved if you don’t love yourself well enough. You can’t give what you don’t have. Period!

In getting healed from the past, listen to music that ministers and feeds your soul. Songs are powerful, they have a way of touching the heart even the deepest part of it. Be sure to surround yourself with people that believe in you. You need them to forget the past and to move on.

‘It takes courage to love again when you have been hurt. The alternative is to give up on love. Don’t! Be brave to love and love again.’ – Anonymous

One thing I want you to know is that not every man is a cheat, not every woman is after your money. There are great individuals whose main concerns are your happiness and joy. Find and surround yourself with such individuals. You can only attract your quality in the opposite sex. You may not be able to attract diamond if all you’re stuffed up with is wood. Birds of the same feather flock together. It therefore means if you want a Prince, you have to become a Princess (and vice versa).

Before you start another relationship, be ready to give your best and be prepared to let your Maker be involved in it all because relationship was and still is His original idea and He is the best matchmaker ever. His record remains unbroken. That your ex left you is not the end of your life, it is the beginning of the best chapters of your life about to be written. I wait to read your love story.

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The Woman Behind the Scene

This is for every great man about the woman in his life. It is a shout out to every first lady in the church, presidential villa or home. It is to that successful Pastor’s wife, that great President‘s wife who helped him complete his political term without his home tearing apart. Yes to that popular life coach’s wife who runs the home front successfully while her spouse joggles with endless conferences, board meetings and counseling sessions.

woman behind the scene(1)A lot of people feel this woman is lucky to be married to such a great man; on the contrary the man is the one blessed to be married to such a woman who keeps praying for him while he is in public. She fixes his meal, makes sure his briefs are clean and his clothes are well ironed for his next engagement. She attends to the kids alone while he may be away solving people’s problems. She is the woman who wakes up very early in the morning to make sure her household is well catered for especially her darling husband; she sleeps late at night after making sure everything in the household is in order and yes she has to make herself available for a ‘quickie’ if that is what her husband needs that night to add spice to his already ‘pressured’ day.

She may be fragile but she has been the invisible pillar holding the frame of the successful man you celebrate in public. Sometimes people forget to acknowledge her while giving kudos to her husband, she is a woman to be praised always, like the Proverbs 31 woman.

She is the one that tries to fix the mess that happens sometimes in her husband’s life; she is faced most times with how to manage the presence of numerous female fans in the life of her celebrity husband. The public may blame her when her husband is involved in a scandal but she is the woman who loves her husband unconditionally despite his flaws. She is the one who knows her husband’s weakness behind closed doors yet she is always there to encourage him, to strengthen him for greater exploits.

This is a woman that needs to be celebrated always by her husband. To every great man reading this, take time out now to say beautiful things to that woman behind the scene, because you know she has helped to make sure your life doesn’t tear apart. Buy her something special even if it’s not expensive. Take her out, occasional dinner out is a good idea. We are approaching the festive season, what special plans do you have to say thank you to that great woman who has dotted the ‘I’s and crossed the ‘T’s of your life? Don’t wait till another man appreciates and sweeps her off her feet before you know how to appreciate what you have. You are a great man and so blessed to have such a priceless treasure as the love of your life! I celebrate you and your woman!

My Blog Has moved

Dear Beautiful Souls,

This is to officially inform you that this @naijablog 2013 Best Relationship Award winning blog http://www.embodimentofgrace.wordpress.com has moved to http://www.embodimentofgrace.com .

The new blog is bigger, better and finer. You will have opportunity to download my relationship podcast free of charge to your mobile device, tablets, laptops and desktop from the new blog . You will also enjoy all the live tweets from #WhenSinglesGather which is our monthly Singles Tweet Conference live on twitter. There is much more… join me as we move over to the next level. It has been great connecting with you on this platform, let’s do it better on http://www.embodimentofgrace.com . To over 2,500 followers of this blog, I cannot thank you enough. God bless you greatly. Grace Festus-Alao

Loving the unloving Spouse

Leah by circumstance found herself in the house of Jacob. She was married to Jacob who didn’t love her but loved her younger sister instead. The sad part of it is that Jacob did not hide it to Leah that she was not wanted or needed around him. Leah remained unloved by her husband even after giving birth to male children for him. This means for every good deed or service Leah renders at home, she is never appreciated by her husband. He never comments on her beauty neither does he notice when she has a good dress on yet Leah was patient, she maintained her calmness and never gave up on herself because she was rejected by her husband.

Abigail was another woman who suffered emotional abuse from her husband. Her husband Nabal was bad with words. He talked anyhow even to David the warrior who killed Goliath; so it was not a big deal to him to molest his wife with words and actions. A lot of women and men today have found themselves in marriages where their spouse has stopped loving them. Some are at the verge of throwing in the towel. Just before you give up on that marriage, please remember all the investments you have put in.
LOVING THE UNLOVING SPOUSE
A word for singles here; please be observant in your courtship. If you’re in courtship with someone and you notice that his/her love for you has diminished, don’t overlook it. Call for a meeting between you two and talk about it like adults. A lot of couples have managed relationships that need to be done away with and have headed for the aisle instead of being a little more patient to know whether there is a future for such relationship.

Now back to the married couple, I have a word here for the unloved spouse. Love is patient. God saw how Leah was treated badly and honored her, He preserved her life and made her to be buried where Patriachs in her husband’s lineage where buried while her husband’s other wife died prematurely. Abigail’s husband was killed by God for treating Abigail and other people wrongly. Abigail was then able to marry King David, man who loved and cared for her (I Samuel 25). Woman, God sees your pain, he sees how badly hurt you are in that marriage. Man, God sees how badly your wife treats you and he is displeased.

A word of caution here: if you are physically abused in that relationship, please cry out for help because your case may need temporal/permanent separation. Physical abuse is awful and has led to death of many people.

God will not forget your labour of love; He will plead your cause and your latter end will be sweet. If in the end your spouse does not change and you feel divorce is the best option, please seek audience with a seasoned marriage counselor before you make your final decision. Above all, find ways to make yourself happy, be friends with people who bring out the best in you. Your end will be seasoned with laughter.

one night stand

one night stand artSamson was a celebrity, he was a power house but he died in his prime. The nation of Israel lost him when the ovation was loudest for him. Who nailed him? Delilah! Samson just couldn’t stop running after Delilah after the first time he had her. It would have been better for him if he never had a taste of her in the first place.

Joseph knew the risk embedded in a one night stand, he therefore ran for his dear life when Potiphar’s wife offered him her body on a platter of gold. Although it landed him in prison for she blackmailed him for not having sex with her. He however knew it was better to be in a temporary prison than to forever lose one’s destiny. He understands what is written in the book of Proverbs 6:31-32 which says, “Anyone that commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding: he that does it destroys his own soul. A wound and dishonor shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away.”

Father Abraham however forgot this when he allowed his wife, Sarah manipulate him into sleeping with their help, Hagar. That one night stand with Hagar produced Ishmael. The various religious wars all over the world would have been minimal if Ishmael was never conceived.

A lot of homes have been broken today because of uncontrolled sexual urge. Joseph was not naïve, it was not like he didn’t see how beautiful his master’s wife was but his eyes were more focused on the palace he was created for. I challenge you to take charge of your sexuality. Don’t start a fire you know can get your fingers burnt. David admired Bathsheba; he desired her and allowed his lust for her to overpower him. He did not rest till he had sex with her; his generations paid for it. His son, Amnon ended up raping his step sister, Princess Tamar who never recovered from the shame and suffered low self-esteem for the rest of her life. Amnon was made to pay for his sin as his step brother; Absalom killed him for raping Tamar. It did not end there, Absalom later slept with his dad’s concubines and mistresses right in public view. Do you now see that a sexual misbehaviour by a parent does not end there? It has a direct influence on his/her kids if care is not taken.

Sex doesn’t just merge two people physically, it binds them spiritually. Sex is binding because it involves not only bodies but souls, sex is a covenant and that is why it is the sweetest and deepest communication that a married man can experience with his wife.

Don’t put your destiny for sale. Illicit sex transfers Spiritually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). These are diseases that can’t be seen under the lenses of a microscope neither can it be detected through laboratory’s tests but they exist. They can control a man’s destiny. Don’t succumb to that five minutes of sexual pleasure that will mar your future. Take God’s candid advice, if you’re single, sleep alone till you get married, if you’re married, sleep only with your spouse.

Don’t blame the divorced

Wait till you finish reading this before you’re justified to raise an eyebrow …..…
Don’t condemn the title of this article until you’re through reading this piece. Don’t make any conclusion until you have gone through all that is written here.

Would you have encouraged a woman who is constantly subjected to physical and emotional torture by her spouse to stay put in that marriage till she is beaten to death?
Would you advice someone whose spouse is an unrepentant adulterer/adulteress to stay forever in the marriage until she/he contacts STD? Even the Bible approves divorce on the ground of infidelity because infidelity breaks the covenant of marriage. It is not everyone that is graced like Prophet Hosea to wait on his harlot wife till she repents.

Today as I sit to write, I remember a dear cousin I lost a few years ago at her mid-thirties. She died leaving her young daughter and the son of her teenage years. We knew she had issues in the home front; her husband was ‘a man of war’ at home. At one time in the early days of her marriage she was diagnosed with high blood pressure after ‘a shouting match’ with her husband, which left her almost collapsing. Anyone who would have suggested divorce or temporary separation from her husband at that time would have been tagged ‘enemy of progress’ but we all know better now. She one day collapsed on her way from her work as a result of a heart attack which I knew couldn’t be separated from the war at home.

It is not safe to be living with a spouse whose sanity is not certain. Any spouse that doesn’t see anything wrong in making his/her partner cry or sad, needs a mental and marital checkup. If your spouse’s happiness no longer matters to you, you are no longer normal; ‘mehn….’, seek for help.
Some men/women are meant to emulate Apostle Paul and not get married. See, my guy; it is not compulsory to get married. If you cannot love your spouse unconditionally just as God has laid it down, don’t marry, period! It is miserable to get married and be wishing to be single all over again.

Dear friend, before you blame the divorced, listen to their stories. I usually advise singles to delete divorce from their dictionary and replace it with ‘unlimited forgiveness’ once they get married but the advice is for singles who marry right. You can’t follow God’s leading to the letter while choosing your life partner and marry wrongly. God is the best match maker. Go ask Ruth and Boaz. God’s calculation enables us marry our better half; what manipulation does is to merge Samson and Delilah together.

If God can overlook Ruth’s past and still find her suitable to be in the lineage of Jesus, if He decided to forgive Bathsheba and still crowned her son as the next king of Israel after David, tell me who are you to judge and blame a divorcee whom God has empowered to love and re-marry? A lot of people have made mistakes in ignorance and have found themselves in circumstances beyond their control because no human is perfect. The good news however is that we have a perfect God who specializes in making perfect our imperfections.

You should feel bad for someone who once loved but promised not to love again because of his/her past experience. You should however be happy for one who has taken a bold step to love again despite an ugly past or failed marriage. May our relationships be better each day and may we experience heaven on earth in our marriages. Amen!

{Credits to WINNIE MULTIMEDIA STUDIO BB Pin: 22A92266 for the photograph. Thanks to @iamdayosamuel for the graphics on the displayed picture}

Let’s go back to Eden

Many times we wonder where God is when we pass through great challenges in our relationship. The fact remains that God has always been around but more often than not, we refuse Him full access as regards our love lives. Most times we involve God when we need success in our career, business and contracts but when it comes to relationship, we feel we don’t need Him or we forget to carry Him along. Let me quickly remind you that relationship is originally God’s idea brought to limelight in the Garden of Eden…youImage remember Adam and Eve …right? You can’t know how best to utilize an idea that was not originally yours…the same way we need God’s help and intervention to make our relationship/marriage work. It is His idea that we get married…you can’t steal that idea from Him, and since it is His idea, He alone knows how best to make it work.

Marriage as intended by God is a threefold cord between God, Man and his wife that cannot be easily broken. Each of them is a team mate in the field of marriage and each one has a very important role to play. Undermining God’s role in our relationship/marriage is usually where our problem starts. There is the theory of the missing rib and it was formulated by God, so there are some things we can’t handle on our own in relationship that only God can fix. A quick glance at Genesis 2 and 3 shows Adam had no problem in his relationship when his communication was intact with God. Problem only arose when his wife decided to disobey God’s ordinances and they both paid dearly for it. We struggle on our way without God’s aid.

God sees and knows what we pass through. In fact, He has emotions because He sometimes gets angry and at a time, He even regretted creating man because of man’s atrocities. We have a God who is not insensitive to our struggles, our pains and the temptations we face every day. He knows and feels what we feel when we go through all of these emotions, He sees how we struggle with pornography, masturbation, fornication and adultery. It hurts Him to see us wallow in what He dislikes but at the same time He is standing by waiting for us to call for His help against every sexual perversion we find ourselves addicted to.

God sees our weaknesses and He is not giving up on us and all we need to do is stop putting Him in a box. Let’s stop restricting Him and start including Him 24/7 in our love affairs. Have you forgotten that He is LOVE? He alone can help us love. He is the lover of our soul.

God is concerned when you struggle with sex with your spouse; He sees the tears on your pillow when you even try hiding it from your better half. He reads your heartbeats because your existence is sustained by His breathe; He alone can turn everything that looks so difficult around. Do me a favour, let’s go back to Eden; let’s get back to the feet of the originator of marriage. Let’s seek the audience of Him who is called LOVE. Admit that you have struggled enough on your own and you need His help and His ‘manual’ to fix your marriage/relationship. Don’t be scared to go naked before God who made you and gave you the heart to love. Come on now buddy, let’s go back to Eden.

 (Special thanks to WINNIE MULTIMEDIA BB PIN: 22A92266 for the photograph and @iamDayoSamuel for the graphics)

 

Leaders and Lovers

Your primary assignment as a leader is your home unless you don’t have any. Let me be frank with you, if you’re a celebrity that commands so much respect outside your home but your presence at home does not ignite an atmosphere of love, ‘mehn…,’ you have not done well enough. Let me ask you, if your wife and kids are asked the kind of person you are at home, what would they say? Will they paint you as beautifully well as your proteges and fans do?

Great leaders are not only leaders on the social media or in the public or office; they are super dads to their kids and great lovers to their wives. If you succeed well in your business, ministry and career but fail in your responsibility at home, you have failed your Maker. The only set of people who would not reject you no matter how life turns out for you is your family, so why not love them the way they deserve to be loved. Your family was there when you were a nobody, so they should be your priority when you’ve now become ‘somebody’.

Dear Sir, if you love your PA more than you love your wife, you’re not a good role model. In the words of Praise Fowowe (twitter handle: @PraiseFowowe),“How sane are you as a business executive when you abandon a family that is working for an untested girl out of pleasure”. Your wife and kids should not struggle to get your attention. Don’t be all over as an Ambassador for your country or representative for your international company while your family hurts in your absence. Show me a leader, who loves, cherishes and respects his wife and I’ll tell you he is a leader who will win all battles of life.

Don’t underestimate the power of a praying wife. Men who make their wives sad struggle in some areas of life and wonder why that should be. A happy wife will dare to sacrifice anything to make sure her husband succeeds in life. It also means a sad wife can stop at nothing in bringing her husband down. God through Apostle Paul of Tarsus gave specific instruction to every married man on how he should treat his wife. He said, “Husband, love your wife…”

A wife you love is a wife you will adore; create time for in spite of your busy schedule, you will call her often to know how she is faring. Let me ask you, when last did you take her for a vacation? Or when last did the two of you take a break together and escape to find solace in each other’s arms alone. Yes, we know you as a leader but are you a lover to your wife. Does your wife have to cry to get your attention? Does she receive timely advice from you the same way you give your all to your clients? Remember she was there when no one believed in your dreams, now that your dream has become a global phenomenon, does she look too ‘outdated’ to be identified with you in public?

Did I hear you say yes to that last question? Re-package your wife if you don’t like how she looks, spend all you can to make her be the woman you will be ‘crazy’ about 24/7. We know you are becoming a global leader but don’t do that at the expense of your wife’s heart and your kids’ love. You can be a great leader and a superb lover at the same time. The world is watching you!

(In the display picture is a mix of great leaders I admire who love and treat their wives with so much respect. You guys are great role models)Image

#WhenSinglesGather with Facilitator 5 – @Grace_Festus

 

 

Do me a favour…Fall in love with Me!

When was the last time you took time out to celebrate how far you have come in life? Do you even have time to appreciate who you are on the way to where you are going? Today, I challenge you to love yourself deeply, wholly, fully and unconditionally; only then are you properly positioned to love your spouse, loved ones and others regardless of their weakness.

At a time in my life I was so busy trying to have a perfect home and trying to always be there for my spouse that I forgot and hardly had the time to give myself a special treat. Oh yes, you do deserve a special treat and not once in a lifetime but often. Do not wait till someone takes you out to ‘spoil you silly’; you may need to be the one to ask yourself out at times and give yourself the special treatment you deserve. Don’t be too busy working to amass wealth and end up losing your health when the wealth comes.

I felt that as long as my home looks like a palace and there is always a smile on my spouse’s face, I was okay, but I got it all wrong. I gave myself away selflessly forgetting to reserve anything for ‘me’ and that started affecting me negatively. I became so ‘worn out’ because I never took time out to be refreshed. It is great to look after the welfare of your spouse, home and kids but do not forget to look after yourself too. Always look at the mirror and observe if the reflection of who you see is a better you or a ‘worn-out’ you.

In the words of Sarah D. Jakes, “you have to love yourself first; because that’s the only way you can truly love another imperfect person”. I love the words of Olakunle Soriyan which reads, “I’ve come to realize that the smallest thing to do in life is to make myself happy”. My husband often says, “no one can make you sad without your consent”. It therefore means that it is paramount that you should be happy in life; and if you are surrounded by those who do not make you happy, find a way to make yourself happy. You cannot make other people happy if you’re sad. Let me ask you a question, “What are those things you derive joy in doing and when last did you do them?”

A lot of leaders are lonely and depressed and that is why suicide cases are increasing all over the world. There are times that you will face great challenges and you must build your own circle of cheerleaders. Do you have people who can encourage you no matter what you’re passing through? You may have a lot of pressures on you as a leader, you need to have confidants or mentors who you respect, who can look you straight in the eye to tell you to take a ‘serious’ break when you need one. Don’t overwork yourself till you break down.

The grave is filled with lots of people who never fully lived their lives. People viewed them as successful but never knew they battled inwardly with depression, loneliness and rejection; and as such ended their lives because they didn’t enjoy it. Learn to hang around those who celebrate you and those who will stop at nothing to bring out the best in you. Fall in love with yourself because if you do, you will stop at nothing to make yourself happy. Know when the law of diminishing returns set in and when to take a break to rest or go for a long vacation. Do not die before your time; do not fix your funeral for when the applause is loudest (when the world needs you most). You are phenomenal, see yourself that way and love yourself fully. Don’t be a solution provider who refuses to use the prescription he recommends for others when he too needs it.